I know who I am... I am His!

So...this is a really quick blog because I have to meet up with someone to walk over to a meeting in ten minutes! I basically attended a retreat/revival at church this weekend. I was filled with the spirit of God and he really stirred something up in me.

For the first time ever I am thirsty for God! I am actively pursuing Him! Instead of the one sided relationship it was before.

I have definitely changed for the better! So I will blog the next time I have some time just to talk about what I have been realizing.

God is so good!

When I'm not close to God...

I feel depressed and paranoid.

My trust in people never ceases to deplete.

Sometimes I see myself as a selfless giver who is surrounded by selfish self centered people.


That is all...

I know... it's been a while...

Well, I've been busy. School was really kicking my butt. Now that I am on break I will reassess everything for next semester...and therefore plan everything out so that it will all go seamlessly and perfectly.

HA!!!!! YEAH RIGHT!

It's all in God's plan and timing.

I do have pretty exciting news though. I got accepted as part of the team on this service trip to Nicaragua this summer. It's going to be amazing. Really amazing! I'm used to giving money to causes I like but now I will actually be getting to go and get dirty. Things are looking up!

Seriously I understand the reason for suffering a little and then having amazing things happen- you're so much more grateful.

Since I got home Wednesday night I haven't seen any friends or family other than my mom and a family friend that was staying here. That will change today. I'm so looking forward to this break and playing with kids and laughing and not having to work.

So I'm listening to John Mayer's "Clarity" right now. It always reminds me of a calming slightly rainy day. The kind where you have nothing to do but sleep in and chill with a cute movie on the tv and drink tea. :-) I think I'm a dreamer. A dreamer that definitely goes after her dreams though.

So here's a link to the trip I will be going on :-) http://grove.ufl.edu/~recurso/

More later.

President Barack Obama...

YES WE DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Breathe in and Breathe out...

So I really like to make lists...daily lists....weekly lists... I have a planner, a calendar, and a bunch of dry erase boards to list things to do while I'm home or as soon as I wake up. I love a list so I will list a few quirks/ facts about me that I've been noticing or have noticed.


-I'm a creature of habit.
As soon as I wake up I go to the bathroom, hop in the shower, put on music, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush my teeth, do my hair and makeup, probably check facebook 138712937128 times and then head off to class.

-Also...when I order out at restaurants... I either order the same thing I always get or something with shrimp... I really like shrimp.

-I really love music. Like really love it. I love the different stages in life different artists are in in their lyrics...I just have a deep understanding for the process of life. I like a lot of different types of music. As long as they tell a story or evoke a mood that I'm feeling then I like them.

I really really want Mat Kearney to come out with a new album soon!

-I'm a tv junky. I watch my shows online for the most part on my own time though. So I'm not a slave to their schedule. I've loved tv since I was really young. I sometimes forget about shows I watch for weeks and then I'm like "Oh man... I have to catch up."
My current shows are: greys, life on mars, army wives, desperate housewives, heroes, samantha who, lipstick jungle, private practice, mad men... oh the list goes on.

-I really love accessories. Forever Love is my favorite store for necklaces... I pretty much only wear necklaces and earrings.

-I love 50's style dresses. The sweetheart neckline type is my favorite.
which also makes me a little obsessed with this wedding dress...




















-But don't worry, I'm not getting married anytime soon. I have yet to find the man God wants me to marry. So calm down. lol. ;-)

- So lately I've been growing into my own. I've been caring about how I look more hence the makeup bullet up top. lol. Doing my hair and stuff. I wanted this year to be a year of changes...for the better. :-). I've been having a little more fun with people aswell as doing my projects. No more slaving away in studio.

-This is my last semester of Architorture. 14 more classes left of my studio class. That's crazy. But I'm definitely looking forward to just focusing on interior design from now on.

-Cookies and cream ice cream is my favorite. Bluebell or that kind I got at J.P. Licks in Boston has to be the best I've ever tried. I love that you don't have to guess what kind of ice cream you're eating. The cookies are right there lol.

-After college I want to live in a big city. I'm willing to move anywhere I get a job if I like the place enough.

-I like to think of myself as a moderate. Conservative with my own choices but liberal with others', I don't think I should tell anyone what to do with their lives. I just want to love people and show them how I'm living.

-I love christmas time and winter...

-I love the hallmark channel, lifetime, and abc family during that time for all the holiday movies.

-My favorite movies are the back to the future series and pretty much a bunch of chick flicks.

-I get tired of doing things pretty easily... like making lists about things about myself. There'll be a part 2 sometime soon...maybe...


to be continued...

It's been a while...

I've kind of been spending time, whatever I have of it __________- well I actually don't know what I've been doing. I've been going to class, working on projects... We're working on this project in my architorture class based on the city of Venice, Italy. I'd rather go there to learn than have to infer from pictures and maps.

Other than that I've been cherishing the time when I've gone home before 3am (my breaking point.) Like last night, I got home a little after midnight and decided to decorate my dorm door with halloween decor. I'll put up a picture later. Then I bought Christmas lights just to hang up in my room.

Last weekend I moved my room around and now I feel all free and uncramped in it. I mean it's still a dorm room but atleast my bed is against the window and it leaves a whole area in the middle for walking around. :-).

I've noticed that college is on a whole different time zone from regular aged people. Especially in my program. I see people get as close in a week as it would take people outside of college to do in months.

We stay up till all hours of the next morning, complain together, encourage eachother, fight, get coffee together, go to class together, and work on our projects.

Relationships in college get serious fast.

With the situation I was in I was feeling like the relationship had been months long and it had only been 2 weeks. Not that it was a relationship or anything. lol.

Anyway, I got the new Ray Lamontagne album on Tuesday from Itunes. I'm still listening to it. I had heard "You are the best thing" a week or two ago and loved it.

So tonight I'm going to go see the secret life of bees, tomorrow a picnic with other interior design majors, sunday church and soulfest.... aswell as having to work on three projects due tuesday.

My favorite song.

I think I found my favorite song. Like ever. Maybe. I mean other ones come and go but I think when a song is about the truth which never changes due to time or conditions then it definitely has some longevity. 

I've been learning a lot about myself lately. Realizing I was struggling even when I didn't know it. 

There's a lot of growth going on which is a good thing but with that growth sometimes I feel like I'm talking to no one. Like things are happening but what am I to do? I want a clear sign about things that are going on. Do I pursue certain things. I analyze pretty much everything before I do it but I analyze it so much that in the end I kind of don't have a definite answer. I rely on God to give me signs or something. I'm just in the place where I want to do things right, I want to also see the big picture now so that I know what steps to take to end up in the right place.

Is there predestination? In any aspect? Is there a path we should take or is it a "live your life" and do the best you can and you'll still end up there? 

I may just be confusing myself. I want deep meaningful conversations with christians that doesn't happen at a bible study. I feel like I can't just hang out without being cut off to pray. I love God and Jesus... I pray too but I just like... I don't know. Prayer isn't the issue. I just feel that I want to be a part of communities that care about you everyday of the week and not just at bible study. and that you can be genuine with. 

I also have doubts about co-leading a bible study. I've never been much of a teacher. I kind of just like to read the bible. Maybe ask questions to someone if I have any. I just feel like before or at the same time as bible study there should be like life groups or something. Pretty much a group of christians who have fun together. 

I just don't feel like I'm at a place to lead anything that I'm not passionate about. Especially when I don't feel like I'm at the right place in my life to be a moral compass to anyone. I know Jesus is supposed to be but I don't want to be a hypocrite either and I just feel like a leadership position is something really serious. 

I know I'm very vague in this blog but sometimes writing everything out is just too much.

Memorial Stones, By: Mat Kearney

A young one, in just tears 
Lying in my own fears 
Lying, choking in a puddle 
Drowning down in my own tears 
Left you for the simple spread 
Taking the steps it ends in 
Lie down in a self-dug grave,
Cloud formed over my head as I laid myself down to rest 
The enemy camped upon my chest 
With blinded eyes and lies 
Till cries he did profess 
With rain and thundering storms 
And clouds that fogged my intellect 
With guilt and shame he built his house 
And doubts in the form of self respect 
With lightning that was frightening 
Taking my eyes up off the Lord 
Trying to discredit and edit 
The words of truth he found in sword 
He harmed me and disarmed me 
And he charmed me with his army 
But I stand before you right now 
Cause the Lord came upon me 
With the morning sun that pierced the cloud 
And made the moisture dissipate 
With a northern wind, the fog will clear 
And the rays touched my face 
Holy Spirit, warmed me, swarmed me 
Touching me with a sweet taste 
He picked me up, and kicked my butt 
And placed me back in the right race 
Lord, you brought me out of shackles 
Divided seas all along 
It’s in you that I still stand 
It’s in you that I have song 

Memorial stones in the middle of the Jordan 
Lord you brought me along 
I had a change through the desert 
In you Lord that I’m strong 
Raining bread from the heavens 
Giving me a new song 
Memorial stones in the middle of the Jordan 
I’m pressing on 

From the day to day, the miry clay 
Through the wilderness astray 
You brought me to the river Jordan 
Bow my head down low and pray 
And thank a faithful God 
Who’s brought his water to my lip 
Grabbed my hand and led me to the promised land where the honey drips 
And the vines filled with fruit of all kinds 
For the spirit, soul, and mind 
Around the sound of chimes 
The water stopped and came in line 
And clattered feet sound  
Israel crossed the dry ground 
Memorial stones were laid down 
In awe of your love that’s so profound 
You brought the old into a new face 
With a new place and a new grace 
Your love, provision shown as you gave your child a new taste 
The manna stocks of milk and honey 
of Caedmon found at my feet 
Then I dropped to my knees 
For the God, he’s so complete 
About face, he sees me 
From the grips, the enemy 
In the midst, my blunder through the thunder 
You’re under me in victory 
By no means is this journey finished, over, or complete 
There are many Jericho’s walls 
That’ll fall at Allah’s feet 

Memorial stones in the middle of the Jordan 
Lord you brought me along 
I had a change through the desert 
In you Lord that I’m strong 
Raining bread from the heavens 
Giving me a new song 
Memorial stones in the middle of the Jordan 
I’m pressing on

It's been a long time comin...

So I finally got baptized today. 

Another personality test.

I needed something to do during my autocad class so I took a personality test. Here are the results:

According to this I'm a reserved visionary.

My personalDNA Report

So Apparently,

before I get into my post I just want to say that I am having a lovely birthday and am hoping and praying that this year and being 20 is awesome and I get to experience new things and have deep genuine relationships.

Anyway, I took a personality test and I am an INFJ... basically here's the description...

As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may end to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.

INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.

In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.

I took this test here: http://www.personalitytype.com/prequiz.aspx What's your personality type?

It's my birthday!

I'm 20 years old!!!!!!!!!!!!

Am I depressed, Angry, sad, or all three?

So I've been laying in bed since I woke up at 9 am this morning. It is now 7:25 pm. Some days I just don't want to get out of bed. I mean I have kind of tentative plans that I can conveniently break. The "Maybe" option is my favorite on facebook. Me checking maybe on an event says "I support you but I'll probably not show up." I'm consistent with my inconsistencies. Days like this I claim that I'm recuperating from being in studio so much and that I miss being in my own bed. Maybe I'm right. Or maybe its a cop out. My best friend goes to a different school and lives in a different state. When she visited in the summer we were constantly doing something. Maybe I just like being alone and being me unapologetically. I like being around people to an extent. But I also like to be along. I'm an introverted extrovert. I'm a contemplative people person. I just don't really feel the need to be outgoing all of the time. But its to the point that if I'm not in studio or running around doing something for studio, I don't want to go out. Unless it's to eat. :-). 

I've been getting angry during this political time. Don't get me wrong, I'm very excited for the elections. I love my candidate and I'm excited that this is going to be my first election! I've been doing my research but I keep running across pieces of media I would appropriately like to call GARBAGE. I'm not even going to plug it on my blog. I'm just very disappointed and upset that people are thinking that just because they're Christian they have to be right wing and conservative. They're bringing up straight up GARBAGE on the news and just making other people who are christians look stupid. I guess my political views gear to more social programs and stuff than to getting tax breaks. I feel like I'm conservative with my self, meaning if there are laws that state a certain thing that I think is morally wrong, man it's my blog... I'm just going to go right out and say it. Abortion. I think it's wrong but just because the country may permit it, that does not mean I'm going to go out and get one. Not everyone thinks like me. Some people were taught that sex was for marriage and some people were not. And then there are issues with rape and things of that nature. As a person who would never get an abortion unless there was like physical danger toward myself (then I'd have to pray about it, I haven't thought that through) I still know that just because you ban something doesn't mean people are going to listen. It's against the law to drink and drive and people still do it. Now unless people ban it and then start adopting some babies like crazy because people are not going to stop having sex just because you teach them about abstinence. Ugh. I'm rambling. Basically, I follow christ and I will be conservative with my self and personal choices but I have no right to dictate how someone deals with themselves. This said, one of my favorite passages is Isaiah 58 which talks about feeding the hungry and clothing the naked and such. I will follow this and I just feel like my candidate is striving more for helping people with their everyday lives . I'm not choosing my candidate because he's the poster boy for my "squeeky" clean moral standards and he is what a real christian looks like and blah blah blah. I really just hate the labeling and elitist attitude that people are embracing.  

I've been thinking about the 3 deaths in the family that have happened in the past 2 years. Well the last two have happened in the last 8 months. It's been a trying time. Fortunately I've been able to praise God through a lot of it. Even when  you don't understand or you just 

feel like you can't feel anymore. Trust in God and lean on him.

 

Please school me if I am wrong about something. The last thing I want to be is ignorant. And if you have any verses to get me out of this funk please offer them up. And pray for me. I know Jesus got angry... but he was perfect. lol. 

I'm still alive.

I realize I have not been blogging often. Can't say I'm sorry. I've been living life. Lol. I have two studios this semester and this is my last semester of Architorture!!! YES!!!! I got a single dorm room so no roommate!!!!!! I'm leading a bible study on Matthew!!! I've been trying to express my personal style through clothing lately and it's has been going well. Lol. I like to call my style "Retro Nerd-Chic." lol. I need to work out more. Projects are going good once I finally start them. I don't have much time on my hands at all. Basically I wrote this blog to show that I am still alive.

Ray Lamontagne

Ray Lamontagne's music gives me chills.

Easier said than done.

Okay so... I've learned a lot about myself in the last few weeks. Mostly I can sum it up with "things are easier said than done."

This year and in the years past I've experienced friends who get into relationships with guys and their world is now revolving around what Billy's doing and where Billy is and their relationship with Billy. They also lose themselves in this relationship. Goals that they once had are no longer or they just don't act the same anymore. They're boring to be around because they've become these giddy no backbone little girls...all over a boy.

Well I once vowed never to get like that.

Being single since birth I felt/feel that I know myself more than a lot of girls my age. I think a lot. I educate myself on things I don't know. For the most part I have majority female friends. I'm active in my christian org.

But I was not exempt from this utter attack. I thought I had enough self esteem and wisdom to stand my ground and not be moved by makeshift compliments. I thought I had replayed "the rules" of what you're not supposed to do with guys over and over to know where to draw the line.

There were no lines drawn on my part. I found myself falling into like with someone who I had never noticed as more than just a funny guy before because of a compliment and makeshift declaration of like that was so tangled up in a sticky situation that I knew could never be right...

But I still wanted to explore it. Explore this feeling. Even though I didn't think he was the guy for me. He fit my checklist for the most part I think except that... I didn't know his faith... and for a moment I didn't care. I was willing to just forget that detail...

Mr. Right? Probably not...just Mr. Right NOW.

Mr. Right now was himself. Funny and nice.

I was not myself. Mr. Right NOW said "jump" and I asked "how high?"

Before I knew he "could possibly like me" if the "situation was right." I was feisty...a firecracker... I would barely give him the time of day. I wasn't one of those girls who just fell all over a guy or was clingy. I was just me.

Somewhere beneath that there was some kind of longing though...to hear from someone of the opposite sex who fit some parts of your list that you were "something."

I guess for a split second God's validation wasn't enough.

When I was watching Leona Lewis video for "bleeding love" I finally saw how you can totally lose grasp of who you are when you're in a relationship.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eqerpJPcjA

I learned a lot in these few weeks and its definitely easier said than done but I am fearfully and wonderfully made and I am going to continue to grow and be satisfied and content with who God made me and not change for anyone. :-)


Psalm 139:14 - I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

I'm ready!

One of the main concepts I've realized that I need in order to succeed in college is balance.

Last year I didn't have too much of it. I was often over stressed over the inevitable.

This summer I've been trying to find balance between work and play as well as opening my mind up to things in college.

My biggest fear is to become the religious right stuck in churchiness and christianity without the Christ.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not changing drastically or becoming this crazy image of a college kid people get that are like hippie-fied. I'm going to church as regular as I can, going to bible study every week, I have great people from my small group in my life, as well as good people outside of it.

I just felt kind of like I was suppressing stuff a lot. I wasn't making the most of everyday. Just going through the motions.

I also was judging things from the outside and thinking I shouldn't participate because somehow it would affect me in the biggest possible way for the worse.

There were just certain things I had to realize were not the devil, for lack of better phrasing.

And I also think that I had to just grow into a lot of things.

I feel like I sheltered myself a lot because I was scared of losing my "virtue" or sorts.

And in that respect I wasn't living. I was bored and lonely and sad.

And now I'm happy. I'm getting out there. I'm taking pride in how I look, in how I am fearfully and wonderfully made, meeting new people...and becoming less and less fearful every day. :-)

I feel like people don't get to know the real me because I don't let them and I need to fix that.

I'm ready!

I really don't have to time to be writing this...

I have been listening to Brendan James' music lately and I love it.



Here's his rendition of Stevie Wonder's "Isn't she love me." Kind of makes me want to name a future daughter Aisha. lol.

Much more at a later time.

So I've been getting stuff out of this thing called Edumacation!

Other than just chillaxing this summer in Gainesville, (I'm currently taking 1 class and will add on two more for the 2nd summer semester,) I've been putting my education to great use.

In many a tv show and movies (IRON MAN) I have been spotting highly priced very popular furniture designed by a couple of architecture icons...

This lounge to your left is the Charles and Ray Eames lounge chair that Pepper Potts was sitting on during Iron man, and I saw it on two other shows this week!

For the most part I've been seeing Mies Van Der Rohe's work a lot... This furniture is very pricey...

Charles and Ray Eames lounge retail price is around: $2,430
Mies Van Der Rohe's set is: $15,547
Le Corbusier's cube chair is: $3,655

I think I may live without furniture for a while...

So I've been like spotting these pieces all over tv and can tell most of the time when it's real or fake and I'm so proud of myself.

I have more to say but I just don't feel like blogging about it all right now.

So much for all talk and no action...

I just donated to Blood:Water Mission...


And to Samaritan's purse...

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid1304999839/bctid1307908090

I donated hot meals to children and some gospel story books.

Isaiah 58!

6-9"This is the kind of fast day I'm after:
to break the chains of injustice,
get rid of exploitation in the workplace,
free the oppressed,
cancel debts.
What I'm interested in seeing you do is:
sharing your food with the hungry,
inviting the homeless poor into your homes,
putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad,
being available to your own families.
Do this and the lights will turn on,
and your lives will turn around at once.
Your righteousness will pave your way.
The God of glory will secure your passage.
Then when you pray, God will answer.
You'll call out for help and I'll say, 'Here I am.'

9-12"If you get rid of unfair practices,
quit blaming victims,
quit gossiping about other people's sins,
If you are generous with the hungry
and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out,
Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,
your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.
I will always show you where to go.
I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—
firm muscles, strong bones.
You'll be like a well-watered garden,
a gurgling spring that never runs dry.
You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,
rebuild the foundations from out of your past.
You'll be known as those who can fix anything,
restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,
make the community livable again.

13-14"If you watch your step on the Sabbath
and don't use my holy day for personal advantage,
If you treat the Sabbath as a day of joy,
God's holy day as a celebration,
If you honor it by refusing 'business as usual,'
making money, running here and there—
Then you'll be free to enjoy God!
Oh, I'll make you ride high and soar above it all.
I'll make you feast on the inheritance of your ancestor Jacob."
Yes! God says so!

I don't think there is much left to write.