Oxymoron! Me?

So lately I've been feeling so... misunderstood, confused, and other things I can't verbalize. Basically at times I can be fun and amazing and goofy and hilarious. It's usually candid and not in huge groups. Then at times when I'm expected to speak and be full of life, ie the question "what makes you unique?" or "what's something interesting about you?" I tense up. I get butterflies, I want to throw up, I get sweaty palms and short of breath. My heart even beats a million times faster and its hard to swallow. For some reason I love to talk to friends, joke around, meet new people... but then if I go somewhere where that's the point I FREEZE! I came to the conclusion that I'm just a big old oxymoron.



I come across as bored, rude, boring, and ungrateful... when really I'm shy and anxious and really hate being put on the spot. I like to talk about myself but yet I don't. I love God but yet I can't vocalize it at times. It makes me think about all of the things in life that go unsaid and it makes me sad a little bit. Someone out there that thinks they know me may not at all. People are multifaceted and maybe just because they don't want to vocalize what motivates them to a group of strangers even though deep inside their mind they are thinking about the two younger cousins who they want to lead the way for and be an example of a successful person who started off just like them who made it, but is simply shy. I'm grateful. I'm grateful that God has speared my life and blessed me in so many ways. But at that moment when asked to volunteer to voice it, I panicked.



Am I struggling with my own personality traits and should I overcome my shyness or is it just an innate part of me that God put for a reason? Or because I have Christ in my life should I over come it for the sake of him? Am I like Moses? I'm so confused.

SOMEONE, ANYONE, REPLY WITH A BIBLE VERSE PLEASE.

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...

My first week.

So this time last week I was sighing for relief as my family left me in my dorm for the first time. And now I'm sighing for relief that my math homework is finally done. Phew! So now I finally know what college life is like... a lot of scheduling and time management. So far I'm doing well. Not homesick at all. I thought that hearing the voices of my grandmother and baby cousins on the phone would bring me to tears but it hasn't. And I'm glad. I have no time scheduled in for sadness. So far most of my activities have been things hosted by black fraternities in partnership with the AIM and PAACT program at school. Things like cookouts, tours, pool parties, clubs, and talent shows. My schedule has been filled with multiples of each. Last night I went to Flavet field and watched the fireworks... and even got a picture with Clifford the BIG I repeat BIG red dog... that I am clearly bigger than.


Clifford turned out to be an almost 15 year old boy. lol. If you look closely you can see his head on the right.


Although I'm never there, I love my dorm room. I'm very relaxed when I'm there.

I'm glad I'm seeing the truth about college and what things are myths and what not. Time management is key, there's really no need for a television unless you're sick, 2 meals a day are standard, and there's no reason to be bored or not meet someone. I think I meet 3423432432 new people everyday! More later in about another week!