My favorite song.

I think I found my favorite song. Like ever. Maybe. I mean other ones come and go but I think when a song is about the truth which never changes due to time or conditions then it definitely has some longevity. 

I've been learning a lot about myself lately. Realizing I was struggling even when I didn't know it. 

There's a lot of growth going on which is a good thing but with that growth sometimes I feel like I'm talking to no one. Like things are happening but what am I to do? I want a clear sign about things that are going on. Do I pursue certain things. I analyze pretty much everything before I do it but I analyze it so much that in the end I kind of don't have a definite answer. I rely on God to give me signs or something. I'm just in the place where I want to do things right, I want to also see the big picture now so that I know what steps to take to end up in the right place.

Is there predestination? In any aspect? Is there a path we should take or is it a "live your life" and do the best you can and you'll still end up there? 

I may just be confusing myself. I want deep meaningful conversations with christians that doesn't happen at a bible study. I feel like I can't just hang out without being cut off to pray. I love God and Jesus... I pray too but I just like... I don't know. Prayer isn't the issue. I just feel that I want to be a part of communities that care about you everyday of the week and not just at bible study. and that you can be genuine with. 

I also have doubts about co-leading a bible study. I've never been much of a teacher. I kind of just like to read the bible. Maybe ask questions to someone if I have any. I just feel like before or at the same time as bible study there should be like life groups or something. Pretty much a group of christians who have fun together. 

I just don't feel like I'm at a place to lead anything that I'm not passionate about. Especially when I don't feel like I'm at the right place in my life to be a moral compass to anyone. I know Jesus is supposed to be but I don't want to be a hypocrite either and I just feel like a leadership position is something really serious. 

I know I'm very vague in this blog but sometimes writing everything out is just too much.

Memorial Stones, By: Mat Kearney

A young one, in just tears 
Lying in my own fears 
Lying, choking in a puddle 
Drowning down in my own tears 
Left you for the simple spread 
Taking the steps it ends in 
Lie down in a self-dug grave,
Cloud formed over my head as I laid myself down to rest 
The enemy camped upon my chest 
With blinded eyes and lies 
Till cries he did profess 
With rain and thundering storms 
And clouds that fogged my intellect 
With guilt and shame he built his house 
And doubts in the form of self respect 
With lightning that was frightening 
Taking my eyes up off the Lord 
Trying to discredit and edit 
The words of truth he found in sword 
He harmed me and disarmed me 
And he charmed me with his army 
But I stand before you right now 
Cause the Lord came upon me 
With the morning sun that pierced the cloud 
And made the moisture dissipate 
With a northern wind, the fog will clear 
And the rays touched my face 
Holy Spirit, warmed me, swarmed me 
Touching me with a sweet taste 
He picked me up, and kicked my butt 
And placed me back in the right race 
Lord, you brought me out of shackles 
Divided seas all along 
It’s in you that I still stand 
It’s in you that I have song 

Memorial stones in the middle of the Jordan 
Lord you brought me along 
I had a change through the desert 
In you Lord that I’m strong 
Raining bread from the heavens 
Giving me a new song 
Memorial stones in the middle of the Jordan 
I’m pressing on 

From the day to day, the miry clay 
Through the wilderness astray 
You brought me to the river Jordan 
Bow my head down low and pray 
And thank a faithful God 
Who’s brought his water to my lip 
Grabbed my hand and led me to the promised land where the honey drips 
And the vines filled with fruit of all kinds 
For the spirit, soul, and mind 
Around the sound of chimes 
The water stopped and came in line 
And clattered feet sound  
Israel crossed the dry ground 
Memorial stones were laid down 
In awe of your love that’s so profound 
You brought the old into a new face 
With a new place and a new grace 
Your love, provision shown as you gave your child a new taste 
The manna stocks of milk and honey 
of Caedmon found at my feet 
Then I dropped to my knees 
For the God, he’s so complete 
About face, he sees me 
From the grips, the enemy 
In the midst, my blunder through the thunder 
You’re under me in victory 
By no means is this journey finished, over, or complete 
There are many Jericho’s walls 
That’ll fall at Allah’s feet 

Memorial stones in the middle of the Jordan 
Lord you brought me along 
I had a change through the desert 
In you Lord that I’m strong 
Raining bread from the heavens 
Giving me a new song 
Memorial stones in the middle of the Jordan 
I’m pressing on