When I'm not close to God...

I feel depressed and paranoid.

My trust in people never ceases to deplete.

Sometimes I see myself as a selfless giver who is surrounded by selfish self centered people.


That is all...

I know... it's been a while...

Well, I've been busy. School was really kicking my butt. Now that I am on break I will reassess everything for next semester...and therefore plan everything out so that it will all go seamlessly and perfectly.

HA!!!!! YEAH RIGHT!

It's all in God's plan and timing.

I do have pretty exciting news though. I got accepted as part of the team on this service trip to Nicaragua this summer. It's going to be amazing. Really amazing! I'm used to giving money to causes I like but now I will actually be getting to go and get dirty. Things are looking up!

Seriously I understand the reason for suffering a little and then having amazing things happen- you're so much more grateful.

Since I got home Wednesday night I haven't seen any friends or family other than my mom and a family friend that was staying here. That will change today. I'm so looking forward to this break and playing with kids and laughing and not having to work.

So I'm listening to John Mayer's "Clarity" right now. It always reminds me of a calming slightly rainy day. The kind where you have nothing to do but sleep in and chill with a cute movie on the tv and drink tea. :-) I think I'm a dreamer. A dreamer that definitely goes after her dreams though.

So here's a link to the trip I will be going on :-) http://grove.ufl.edu/~recurso/

More later.

President Barack Obama...

YES WE DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Breathe in and Breathe out...

So I really like to make lists...daily lists....weekly lists... I have a planner, a calendar, and a bunch of dry erase boards to list things to do while I'm home or as soon as I wake up. I love a list so I will list a few quirks/ facts about me that I've been noticing or have noticed.


-I'm a creature of habit.
As soon as I wake up I go to the bathroom, hop in the shower, put on music, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush my teeth, do my hair and makeup, probably check facebook 138712937128 times and then head off to class.

-Also...when I order out at restaurants... I either order the same thing I always get or something with shrimp... I really like shrimp.

-I really love music. Like really love it. I love the different stages in life different artists are in in their lyrics...I just have a deep understanding for the process of life. I like a lot of different types of music. As long as they tell a story or evoke a mood that I'm feeling then I like them.

I really really want Mat Kearney to come out with a new album soon!

-I'm a tv junky. I watch my shows online for the most part on my own time though. So I'm not a slave to their schedule. I've loved tv since I was really young. I sometimes forget about shows I watch for weeks and then I'm like "Oh man... I have to catch up."
My current shows are: greys, life on mars, army wives, desperate housewives, heroes, samantha who, lipstick jungle, private practice, mad men... oh the list goes on.

-I really love accessories. Forever Love is my favorite store for necklaces... I pretty much only wear necklaces and earrings.

-I love 50's style dresses. The sweetheart neckline type is my favorite.
which also makes me a little obsessed with this wedding dress...




















-But don't worry, I'm not getting married anytime soon. I have yet to find the man God wants me to marry. So calm down. lol. ;-)

- So lately I've been growing into my own. I've been caring about how I look more hence the makeup bullet up top. lol. Doing my hair and stuff. I wanted this year to be a year of changes...for the better. :-). I've been having a little more fun with people aswell as doing my projects. No more slaving away in studio.

-This is my last semester of Architorture. 14 more classes left of my studio class. That's crazy. But I'm definitely looking forward to just focusing on interior design from now on.

-Cookies and cream ice cream is my favorite. Bluebell or that kind I got at J.P. Licks in Boston has to be the best I've ever tried. I love that you don't have to guess what kind of ice cream you're eating. The cookies are right there lol.

-After college I want to live in a big city. I'm willing to move anywhere I get a job if I like the place enough.

-I like to think of myself as a moderate. Conservative with my own choices but liberal with others', I don't think I should tell anyone what to do with their lives. I just want to love people and show them how I'm living.

-I love christmas time and winter...

-I love the hallmark channel, lifetime, and abc family during that time for all the holiday movies.

-My favorite movies are the back to the future series and pretty much a bunch of chick flicks.

-I get tired of doing things pretty easily... like making lists about things about myself. There'll be a part 2 sometime soon...maybe...


to be continued...

It's been a while...

I've kind of been spending time, whatever I have of it __________- well I actually don't know what I've been doing. I've been going to class, working on projects... We're working on this project in my architorture class based on the city of Venice, Italy. I'd rather go there to learn than have to infer from pictures and maps.

Other than that I've been cherishing the time when I've gone home before 3am (my breaking point.) Like last night, I got home a little after midnight and decided to decorate my dorm door with halloween decor. I'll put up a picture later. Then I bought Christmas lights just to hang up in my room.

Last weekend I moved my room around and now I feel all free and uncramped in it. I mean it's still a dorm room but atleast my bed is against the window and it leaves a whole area in the middle for walking around. :-).

I've noticed that college is on a whole different time zone from regular aged people. Especially in my program. I see people get as close in a week as it would take people outside of college to do in months.

We stay up till all hours of the next morning, complain together, encourage eachother, fight, get coffee together, go to class together, and work on our projects.

Relationships in college get serious fast.

With the situation I was in I was feeling like the relationship had been months long and it had only been 2 weeks. Not that it was a relationship or anything. lol.

Anyway, I got the new Ray Lamontagne album on Tuesday from Itunes. I'm still listening to it. I had heard "You are the best thing" a week or two ago and loved it.

So tonight I'm going to go see the secret life of bees, tomorrow a picnic with other interior design majors, sunday church and soulfest.... aswell as having to work on three projects due tuesday.

My favorite song.

I think I found my favorite song. Like ever. Maybe. I mean other ones come and go but I think when a song is about the truth which never changes due to time or conditions then it definitely has some longevity. 

I've been learning a lot about myself lately. Realizing I was struggling even when I didn't know it. 

There's a lot of growth going on which is a good thing but with that growth sometimes I feel like I'm talking to no one. Like things are happening but what am I to do? I want a clear sign about things that are going on. Do I pursue certain things. I analyze pretty much everything before I do it but I analyze it so much that in the end I kind of don't have a definite answer. I rely on God to give me signs or something. I'm just in the place where I want to do things right, I want to also see the big picture now so that I know what steps to take to end up in the right place.

Is there predestination? In any aspect? Is there a path we should take or is it a "live your life" and do the best you can and you'll still end up there? 

I may just be confusing myself. I want deep meaningful conversations with christians that doesn't happen at a bible study. I feel like I can't just hang out without being cut off to pray. I love God and Jesus... I pray too but I just like... I don't know. Prayer isn't the issue. I just feel that I want to be a part of communities that care about you everyday of the week and not just at bible study. and that you can be genuine with. 

I also have doubts about co-leading a bible study. I've never been much of a teacher. I kind of just like to read the bible. Maybe ask questions to someone if I have any. I just feel like before or at the same time as bible study there should be like life groups or something. Pretty much a group of christians who have fun together. 

I just don't feel like I'm at a place to lead anything that I'm not passionate about. Especially when I don't feel like I'm at the right place in my life to be a moral compass to anyone. I know Jesus is supposed to be but I don't want to be a hypocrite either and I just feel like a leadership position is something really serious. 

I know I'm very vague in this blog but sometimes writing everything out is just too much.

Memorial Stones, By: Mat Kearney

A young one, in just tears 
Lying in my own fears 
Lying, choking in a puddle 
Drowning down in my own tears 
Left you for the simple spread 
Taking the steps it ends in 
Lie down in a self-dug grave,
Cloud formed over my head as I laid myself down to rest 
The enemy camped upon my chest 
With blinded eyes and lies 
Till cries he did profess 
With rain and thundering storms 
And clouds that fogged my intellect 
With guilt and shame he built his house 
And doubts in the form of self respect 
With lightning that was frightening 
Taking my eyes up off the Lord 
Trying to discredit and edit 
The words of truth he found in sword 
He harmed me and disarmed me 
And he charmed me with his army 
But I stand before you right now 
Cause the Lord came upon me 
With the morning sun that pierced the cloud 
And made the moisture dissipate 
With a northern wind, the fog will clear 
And the rays touched my face 
Holy Spirit, warmed me, swarmed me 
Touching me with a sweet taste 
He picked me up, and kicked my butt 
And placed me back in the right race 
Lord, you brought me out of shackles 
Divided seas all along 
It’s in you that I still stand 
It’s in you that I have song 

Memorial stones in the middle of the Jordan 
Lord you brought me along 
I had a change through the desert 
In you Lord that I’m strong 
Raining bread from the heavens 
Giving me a new song 
Memorial stones in the middle of the Jordan 
I’m pressing on 

From the day to day, the miry clay 
Through the wilderness astray 
You brought me to the river Jordan 
Bow my head down low and pray 
And thank a faithful God 
Who’s brought his water to my lip 
Grabbed my hand and led me to the promised land where the honey drips 
And the vines filled with fruit of all kinds 
For the spirit, soul, and mind 
Around the sound of chimes 
The water stopped and came in line 
And clattered feet sound  
Israel crossed the dry ground 
Memorial stones were laid down 
In awe of your love that’s so profound 
You brought the old into a new face 
With a new place and a new grace 
Your love, provision shown as you gave your child a new taste 
The manna stocks of milk and honey 
of Caedmon found at my feet 
Then I dropped to my knees 
For the God, he’s so complete 
About face, he sees me 
From the grips, the enemy 
In the midst, my blunder through the thunder 
You’re under me in victory 
By no means is this journey finished, over, or complete 
There are many Jericho’s walls 
That’ll fall at Allah’s feet 

Memorial stones in the middle of the Jordan 
Lord you brought me along 
I had a change through the desert 
In you Lord that I’m strong 
Raining bread from the heavens 
Giving me a new song 
Memorial stones in the middle of the Jordan 
I’m pressing on